over the weekend, i had a couple interactions that really made me think about where i been, where i'm going... the short of it is, i don't really know.
i ran into an acquaintance at the store the other day... we both went to the same church back in the day, but weren't really friends nor enemies... just acquaintances.... he went away for college and i hardly seen him since, until that day at the store... he started asking me tons of questions about our church, to which i had no answers... we left it at that, and agreed we'd see each other Sunday morning at service. when i got to the parking lot that morning, he also happened to be walking into service at the same time, and again he persisted in asking me all kinds of questions about church. Again, i had no answers, but i felt myself getting annoyed as he was asking... he seemed somewhat surprised that i knew hardly anything, and dropped the subject only as we were entering the Sanctuary for worship. For the first few minutes of worship, all i could think was, "why did he keep asking me all those questions, i told him ive been away since college, just like he has... why would he expect me to know all that stuff?"
On that same sunday morning, as i rode with Gramma to church, she also began to ask me questions about my participation in church activities, namely why i haven't been participating in anything these days. For her i also had no answers...
but all these questions about church and religion (outward forms), really annoyed me...
i spent most of sunday worship thinking about these two exchanges...
my faith in college was alive, and that was not the result of any coercion from my parents, it was totally and completely my choice, to own a faith that previously, i had only known through my family. in college, i showed up at every meeting, led a buncha different teams, read the bible so often that all my pen markings obscured the original print of my bible. i have no idea where it all came from, but it was a meaningful and fulfilling time... and as i look back on it, i don't feel that it was fake, or not respectable... in some ways i always feel a little nostalgic when i think about it...
but here it is, 3 years out of college, done with Mission Year, done with grad school... and from the looks of things, i have become extremely complacent, but while my faith no longer looks like what it did 3 years ago, i have to say that i have never struggled so much with God as i do now... the struggle to engage with God, no longer content to just learn about God...
its the attempt to find a balance between form and essence... the forms our faith takes, versus the essence or substance of our faith.
i struggle to read the bible and find comfort in the lifestyle that Jesus calls us to.
i struggle to worship with songs to which i cannot honestly sing the words.
i struggle to listen to sermons without becoming self-righteous and judgmental of American Christianity.
i struggle to take communion without wondering if i will remain committed to all this.
i struggle to live out God's love for the marginalized.
i struggle to pray with faith.
