I found this post while looking through drafts I had began writing. This was probably written sometime in 2011.
3.5 years ago I left Philadelphia to come home. I left because I knew that my life would be here, whether I came back in 2008 or 2015, eventually, my life would be built here, so why not start sooner rather than later. So a few friends flew out to Philadelphia, packed up a limited edition Ford Taurus, and drove me home. The actual trip only took 11 days, but 3.5 years later, I still haven't fully arrived. Parts of me are stuck somewhere between Master Street and Skyline Drive, never having fully left, and never being fully present. I've chosen not to live in Philadelphia, but I've also chosen not to exist here, which leaves me no where.
When I first got home, I didn't engage with life because I needed a minute to breathe, for my mind, my heart, and my soul to catch up with my body coming home, after 5 years in Davis and 3 years in Philadelphia. I'm not sure what I was waiting for, but I guess whatever it was never happened because here I am 3.5 years later, with not much that's meaningful to show for my life here.
So here I am... what started as a new years resolution to be more proactive in life, to say "yes" to more things in preparation for my "it" decade in a couple years, has become a sad and sobering realization that there's not a whole lot in my life right now that brings me Life, that brings me to Life.
Over this Easter season, I've thought some about the ideas of death and life.
So what do I do?
Where do I go to find what I'm looking for?
What am I looking for?
How do I create it?
Where will I discover it?
What if I don't ever find it? or have the courage and strength to create it? or the humility to discover it?
What if I try a million different things and nothing fits together and all of a sudden I'm 60 years old still trying a million different things living this fragmented life?
What if the crushing realization of being unfulfilled is worse than the emptiness of disengagement?
I know I can't be paralyzed by fear.
I know I must choose my life here.
I know that if I would open my eyes to acknowledge God's presence, that I would realize that God is with me.
C'mon Nui, it's time to start living.
