Its been a long time... shouldnta left you without a dope beat to step to, step to...

The Calling of the First Disciples

1One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, 2he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.
4When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch."
5Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
6When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.
8When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" 9For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, 10and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.
Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." 11So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

i been thinking about this story some... about how these guys did what the rich young ruler couldnt do... "leave everything, and follow him". In one swoop they became rich, and they coulda milked it a ton of different ways, but they didnt bother... they didnt even cash in on their catch, instead, they "left everything and followed him".

Currently reading: Walk With Us: Triplet boys, their teen parents, & two white women who tagged along.
Currently reading2: The Shack (dont mock me... it was recommended... and not entirely bad...)
Currently watching: Will and Grace, Season 2 Disc 1
Currently listening to: John Mayer Trio

WOOHOO!

I broke 200 today at Serra Bowl! ... but i must note that yesterday at league, i watched a guy bowl 280... very impressive...

wrestled with an angel, for more than a name...

"That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
-- Genesis 32

There're a ton of questions i have about this story, but this i do understand:
In a moment where Jacob had nothing and nobody, he struggled, truly struggled, with God and he emerged from this encounter blessed, but also wounded...

crazy...

So gramma has always thought that i was a little strange... she watches me do things and then tells me that thats not how normal people do it... or maybe she insults me somehow and so i deal with it by starting to sing really loud or dance around to change the subject (new subject: i'm crazy)...


So i started to do random things during the day to solidify this common notion that i may in fact be a little weird...

Gramma has a normal routine of getting her dinner and then taking it to the living room to watch TV. The other day, as she was getting her dinner, i stared at her really hard (almost glaringly), and then when she asked me why i was staring, i didnt say anything and immediately, without smiling, began raising my hand firmly and repeatedly. she shook her head at me and left the room. (i was still raising my hand). After she left, my bro asks, "What're you doing?" i answered..."trying to make gramma think im crazy by doing weird things". He said, "Oh... shes coming back! do it again!"

Then yesterday, we were standing in the kitchen and i was eating some snacks one of which involved an avocado and salsa... she made comments about how since coming back from Philadelphia I eat all this "white folks" food, which really means non-Asian food. Then i put salsa on the pit of the avocado and put it in my mouth like i was gonna eat it. She starts asking loudly, "you cant eat that! who taught you to eat it that way?" i just smiled, nodded, and said, "mmhmm..."


OH man... i need to get a life...

just enough...

So, i've never been a huge fan of Jars of Clay... in fact during the height of my obsession with Contemporary Christian music in the mid 90s (permission to mock granted), i was anti-Jars of clay in the battle royale (actual or fictitious i will never know) between Jars of Clay and DC Talk... A little older and a little wiser, i've come to see that DC Talk was not all that great, and perhaps... just maybe... Jars of Clay is not all that bad... I've really come to like this song off their most recent album:

Faith Enough
By: Jars of Clay

The ice is thin enough for walkin'
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talkin'
The world is crumblin' but I know why
The world is crumblin' but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
Home enough to know I'm lost


It's just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It's just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight


The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
See enough to know I'm blind
See enough to know I'm blind

Should the world rely on faith tonight


When I first heard it, i really enjoyed the literary devices used in juxtaposing seemingly paradoxical images to reveal deeper truths...But as i listened to it more, the words in the chorus, "it's just enough to be strong in the broken places..." branded itself into my mind. It reminds me of Ephesians 6, where Paul talks about the armor of God:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.


This whole idea of standing firm is repeated over and over in the new testament... i like it... its not overly ambitious... in fact, it only requires one thing of us: presence. It sounds simple, but its not always easy.

"It's just enough to be strong, in the broken places, in the broken places..."

... i still believe this...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

-- St. Francis of Assisi

Communion...

I been reading some Jean Vanier lately… Him and Nouwen make one heckuva powerhouse couple… anyway, he has some pretty good things to say…
He talks about the experience of deep and utter loneliness. But then he goes on to talk a lot about love, and letting love transform us from lonely creatures into human beings. He says that there are 7 aspects of love that truly transforms the heart:

1) To reveal
2) To understand
3) To communicate
4) To celebrate
5) To empower
6) To be in communion with one another
7) To forgive

While all these sound great, his bit on communion with one another was piercing. I wouldn’t be able to do it justice, so here are some snippets:

“Communion is mutual trust, mutual belonging; it is the to-and-fro movement of love between two people where each one gives and each one receives. Communion is not a fixed state, it is an ever-growing and deepening reality that can turn sour if one person tries to possess the other, thus preventing growth. Communion is mutual vulnerability and openness one to the other. It is liberation for both, indeed, where both are allowed to be themselves, where both are called to grow in greater freedom and openness to others and to the universe.
Trust is a beautiful form of love. When we are generous, we give money, time, knowledge. In trust we give ourselves. But we can only give of ourselves if we trust that we will be well-received by someone.
Communion is at the heart of the mystery of our humanity. It means accepting the presence of another inside oneself, as well as accepting the reciprocal call to enter into another. Communion, which implies the security and insecurity of trust, is a constant struggle against all the powers of fear and selfishness in us, as well as the seemingly resilient human need to control another person.
To a certain extent we lose control in our own lives when we are open to others. Communion of hearts is a beautiful but also a dangerous thing. Beautiful because it is a new form of liberation; it brings a new joy because we are no longer alone. We are close even if we are far away. Dangerous because letting down our inner barriers means that we can be easily hurt. Communion makes us vulnerable.”

In another section he expounds by saying, “Communion is the trust that bonds us together […] it is the trust that comes from the intuitive knowledge that we are safe in the hands of another and that we can be open and vulnerable, one to another. Communion is not static; it is an evolving reality. Trust is continually called to grow and to deepen, or it is wounded and diminishes. It is a trust that the other will not possess or crush you, but rejoices in your gifts and calls you to growth and to freedom. Such a trust calls forth trust in yourself.
One who is weak, who lives in true communion with another, will not see his own weakness as something to be judged, as something negative, he will sense that he is appreciated, that he has a place.”

“When one loves with trust, one does not give things, one gives oneself and, so, calls forth a communion of hearts.”


This whole idea that communion, true communion, is inevitably linked with liberation and empowerment….that we are not for ourselves…

Dietrich Bonheoffer wrote: “In the language of the bible, freedom is not something man has for himself but something he has for others. It is not a possession, a presence, an object, but a relationship and nothing else. In truth, freedom is a relationship between two persons. Being free means ‘being free for the other,’ because the other has bound me to him. Only in relationship with the other am I free” and Gustavo Gutierrez continues, “The freedom to which we are called presupposes the going out of oneself, the breaking down of our selfishness and of all the structures that support our selfishness; the foundation of this freedom is openness to others. The fullness of liberation – a free gift from Christ – is communion with God and with other men.”



(alright...i'll stop plagiarizing from those older and wiser...)
Communion…its such a tricky thing... whether it be between ourselves and God, or ourselves and another human being… its our deepest desire and yet our greatest fear … to belong but not feel trapped, to be known but not possessed, to be supported but not controlled, to be challenged but not manipulated, to be empowered but not untimely pushed, to be held but not owned … There's a fine line between this true love and violation of the human spirit. we so easily could stunt the growth of someone who has become the object of our communion rather than being the subject with whom we commune. we so easily come to misunderstand God... we often run from stuff like this... fear overtakes us and we squelch the desire, telling our hearts that its safer to remain on this side than risk the inevitable hurt of the other side... but the safe side unknowingly erodes our hearts as we settle for a misunderstanding of God and false unity with those around us...



... alright, well.... good luck with that friends....

Let's just be honest...

being back home is hard. i imagined that i would live in denial for a few days about the permanence of this move home, but eventually i'd hit bottom due to a single earth shattering event, be in a funk for a couple days, then bounce back to my usual vibrant self... this is not true. im not so convinced that theres actually a bottom... i think theres a progression, a series of bottoms, that slowly turns me toward facing life here. im constantly having these moments of, "bah...im gonna be here awhile..." and every time these moments hit, i suddenly want to break down and cry. i always hope that that moment will be the last of its kind, but it never is... i think its gonna be awhile...

i still have trouble sleeping at night... i stay up till 2:30/3 in the morning asking myself, "what am i doing here?" i havent found the answer... i guess its only been 2 weeks, 2 days, and 15 hours... seems a little longer than that...

Sweet tea...

So as we were on this roadtrip i made it a point to have sweet tea at even the slightest hint of thirst... this meant at every meal, at every gas stop, sometimes even getting two bottles from one store... sadly, as we got further north and further west, my tea options became more and more sparse...
Anyway, somewhere between Johnson City, TN and Memphis, i decided that i would try to make my own tea when i got back west... My friends, today is the day...

well... lemme back it up a little... yesterday, i went out and bought some tea. When i got back, my grandma looks at it and shakes her head... "whyre you buying this gringo tea? we have plenty of tea." i said, "i know...this is different, i cant use that asian stuff for this..."

(next morning)
G-ma: "whatre you doing?... Oh making your tea, huh?"
Nui: "yep...its gonna be So Good gramma!"
G-ma: "whats all this? what? youre putting sugar in it?! Who does that? are you gonna put milk in it too??"

grammas pretty zealous for unadulterated tea... guess i'll be sipping on this goodness by my lone self... :0)

New Beginnings...

I'm home.

limbo...

i been on the road for the last 6 days... i left philadelphia on saturday and will get into P-town on Monday. one thing has ended and another has yet to begin. remember that song by semisonic? Closing Time? well here's a reminder if you don't:

Closing time, Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time, Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time, One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time, You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time, Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time,This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits I hope you have found a friend
Closing time, Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Closing time,Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time, Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.


i'm waiting on my new beginning all while hating the other beginning's end... i wish closing time didnt suck so bad.

Lusts of the Flesh...

3 things i miss in this very moment:
1) Henry Weinhard's root beer...
2) Chukuana ...
3) shooting hoop...

Mommy, why?!?!

i was at borders the other day browsing through the sociology section. after making my selection of a few choice books i sat down to read. not long after i started getting into the "McDonaldization of society", i heard a little boy crying... actually, he was wailing.... "Mommy, why?! why cant i have it Mommy?!" Normally, i must admit, i get a kick out of hearing little kids cry over that kind of stuff... because in the end you know that they'll be fine, that they'll get over it, and in a matter of hours they'll be at it again... but in that moment, it's as if their whole world is collapsing...

But this time, instead of slyly delighting in the distress of this young lad, i began to wonder if he wasnt just being a spoiled kid, but that he really truly did not logically understand Why. Why was this injustice taking place? Why couldnt he have whatever it was he wanted? Was it because his mother had the sheer power to say, "no", for absolutely no good reason? Someone please explain to the boy why he cant have it.

do adults do the same thing, wail like this kid over other issues? Isn't such a reaction appropriate when our worlds dont make any sense at all? when we really truly do not understand why something is happening, when things just dont make any logical sense, is it not right to ask why?

Maybe the boy was on to something...

Nah... he was probably just spoiled...

Master Party...

In about 15 minutes, i will be done with my masters education...
Note to self: remember this feeling Nui, because you never want to do more school, ever again...

Ghandi's 7 Deadly Social Sins

1] politics without principle
2] wealth without work
3] commerce without morality
4] pleasure without conscience
5] education without character
6] science without humanity
7] worship without sacrifice

Who goes first?

So, this has happened a couple times and im never quite sure what to do: im about to go into the ATM vestibule and a guy is also about to enter. As is polite, he holds the door for me, but then is it my right to go first to the ATM? after all, he would have been first had he not stopped to open the door for me... Should I stand aside and let him go first in recognition of his position of actually getting to the door before me, AND to recognize his gesture of kind etiquette?

awesome tattoo...

So... summer in Phila = huge swelling bug bites --> me scratching my legs down to the bone... i have absolutely no self control when it comes to scratching bug bites, so i'm ripping away at these bites on my lower leg (around near the shins), and i inadvertently cause them to bleed. Unknowingly, im walking around, going places with friends with all this blood now dried on the side of my leg. We get to the bowling alley, and this girl (a friend of a friend, who i just met) looks over and says, "Wow...cool dagger..." I say, "what?" pointing at my leg, she says, "your tatt, its pretty awesome..." i reply, "oh gosh... my legs bleeding... oh um... thats not a tattoo... it just dried blood...sorry... im really not that gross..."

lost...

i dont know what im doing anymore...I feel so TORN!!

I need words as wide as sky
I need a language large as this longing inside
I need a voice bigger than mine
I need a song to sing you that I've yet to find
I need you, I need you...
I need you, I need you... to be here now.

-- David Crowder

Peace...

On easter sunday, i sat on our back porch and read the resurrection story over and over again. In 24 years of living, it was probably the first easter sunday that i didnt spend in a church pew. As sad as that realization was, my time on the porch was not too shabby...

John 20: On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.

Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit"

"Peace be with you"... what an awesome way to greet the disciples... I can't imagine what it musta been like in that room with the disciples, scared, sad, angry, heavy hearted, on the verge of tears, feeling like fools for dedicating 3 years of life to a hoax, questioning the reality of everything they saw and lived, wondering whether or not they have a place in Jewish / Roman society after giving themselves wholly to a cause that so blatantly challenged the power and authority of these rulers...
i can imagine a silent dejection floating through the room...
then Jesus walks in. "Peace be with you." and everything changes.

MLK said, "True Peace is not merely the absence of tension, but the presence of justice and brotherhood."

Jesus shows up. He didnt end the difficulties for Jews living under Roman rule, he didnt abolish worldwide oppression, eradicate hunger, or wipe out political corruption, but he embodied justice and brotherhood, and he showed up.

"Peace be with you".
The Power of the resurrected Jesus be with you.
The presence of justice be with you.
The unity of brotherhood be with you.
The abundance of Life be with you.
The goodness of God be with you.
The strength of Truth be with you.
The beauty of woundedness be with you.
"Receive the Holy Spirit".


i havent felt this peace in a long time. everythings seemed like a battle these past couple years. i cant focus my eyes beyond the presence of tension to even begin asking whether the presence of goodness, justice, brotherhood, Truth, and life are a reality in these moments of struggle. i been so caught up in the tension that i foolishly grab for a false sense of absence-of-tension-peace, hoping to find "rest"... but cheap peace will never bring true rest.

Wake up...

its about 60 degrees in Phila today... its gonna be an awesome week. to take advantage of this beautiful weather, i decided to take a nap in Rittenhouse square. Whenever i go to Rittenhouse i'm reminded of Central Park in New York, people lying out on the grass on beach towels, guys with no shirts on, girls with bikini tops and big sunglasses... i guess this is what people do when all you have is the Atlantic coast, and even thats quite a drive away... (feel that west coast elitism...) For me, its less about the "beach" atmosphere, and more about the Davis nostalgia...
During my time at davis, i always got stuck with schedules with gaping holes, where there was too little time to go home and do anything of significance, so i had to figure out what to do with myself on campus... so i went through my mental multiple choice:

A) play Area 51 in the MU Games Area
B) hit up Orange Hut
C) people watch at the MU
D) study... (D for desperation move)
E) TAKE A NAP ON THE QUAD... (fully clothed...)

Theres just something about taking naps in public places... Although in my year and a half out here in Phila, this habit has gotten me into some trouble. i've definitely been threatened with "wake up... if i catch you again, youre out" at 3 different establishments. inevitably i comply, but over time, getting caught just becomes part of the thrill...

Five

so, my housemates and i went on a short but intense enneagram binge. i must say i mistyped the first time i took the test, but after taking it along with a fellow housemate (to tell me how i actually am, versus how i want to be viewed by other people), the results were quite interesting... and dare i say it, but i think i agree with this description more than the myers briggs... if you have time, check it out. Warning... the test is a bit long...

Ultimate Truth...

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh, I will see God.
I myself will see him with my own eyes - I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

-- Job

Unicorns!

"The Unicorn" - Shel Silverstein

A long time ago when the earth was green
And there was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen,
And they run around free while the earth was bein' born
And the loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

There was green alligators and long-necked geese.
There was humpy bumpy camels and chimpanzees.
There was catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

But the Lord seen some sinnin', and it caused him pain.
He says, "Stand back, I'm gonna make it rain."
He says, "Hey brother Noah, I'll tell you watcha do
Go and build me a floatin' zoo.

And you take two alligators, and a couple of geese,
Two humpy bumpy camels and two chimpanzees.
Take twocatsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born,
Noah, don't you forget my Unicorn."

Now Noah was there and he answered the callin',
And he finished up the ark just as the rain started fallin'.
He marched in the animals two by two,
And he called out as they went through,

"Hey Lord, I got your two alligators and your couple of geese,
Your humpy bumpy camels and your two chimpanzees.
Got your catsandratsandelephants, but Lord I'm so forlorn
Cause I just don't see no Unicorn."

Ol' Noah looked out through the drivin' rain,
But the Unicorns were hidin' playin' silly games.
They were kickin' and splashin' in the misty morn,
Oh them silly Unicorn.

Then the goat started goatin' and the snake started snakin',
The elephant started elephantin' and the boat started shakin'
The mouse started squeekin' and the lion started roarin'',
And everyone's aboard but the Unicorn.
I mean the green alligators and the long-neck geese,
The humpy bumpy camels and the chimpanzees.
Noah cried, "Close the door, 'cause the rain is pourin' -
And we just can't wait for them Unicorn."

Then the Ark started movin', and it drifted with the tide,
And the Unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.
And the water came up and sort of floated them away -
That's why you've never seen a Unicorn to this day.

You'll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese.
You'll see humpy bumpy camels and lots of chimpanzees.
You'll see catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no Unicorn.

Old Things New...

One thing that i've totally come to appreciate while being back home is the hot shower. It's been awhile since i've had the luxury of taking a 15 minute shower with hot water running for the entire 15 minutes! And then to step out of the shower and have all this space to change and what not is uh-mazing! its funny how we see the same things differently over time...